When I wrote back in November I was starting my counseling journey the next day. Since then I've continued going to counseling and have also started attending a GriefShare group with my stepdad. GriefShare is a recovery support group helping people along in their journey from mourning to joy. Each week we have personal study to work through on our own. There is a video each week and then we discuss as a group. I wanted to share some of what I've been learning.
No matter how brokenhearted I feel I know that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). The emotions I experience from day to day are a roller coaster: some days I feel overwhelmed, paralyzed and depressed, while other days I feel happy, distracted, and content. I have learned I cannot let my emotions control me, not matter how strong they are.
One other thing I've realized is that I am not just grieving the loss of my mom but also grieving the loss of the bond we shared. The first loss I experienced was the actual death of my mom. The secondary losses though to me are far more difficult to deal with. I first realized this when we returned from DisneyWorld.
When we got back from DisneyWorld we saw my grandma, my brother and my stepdad and showed them some pictures. I had sent pictures all week to my dad and Brandon's parents. But at home that afternoon I had a major breakdown. This was the first time I realized my a secondary loss. I lost the one person who would never fail to ask a million questions about what Myra Grace and Mackey were doing...and she wanted to know every single detail. When we got home from Disney and I couldn't share every moment with her I took this harder than her actual death. She would've wanted to see each picture and get a play by play. She would've wanted to know what we ate, which ride had the longest line, who was the kids' favorite character they got to meet, which rides were they too short to go on, did they cover their ears during the fireworks, any funny bathroom stories of running with toddlers to make it in time. She would've wanted to know why 'It's a Small World' ride was closed when we were there, what the new Fantasyland was like, why they moved the Dumbo ride, why Disney changed MGM's park name to Disney Hollywood Studios, and if their eyes lit up when they saw the Wizard of Oz scene during 'The Great Movie Ride'.
My mom LOVED DisneyWorld...so much so that that is where she and my dad chose to go on their honeymoon (will find a picture and post another time). When I was barely a year old my dad and her took me, my grandmother and grandfather and my great grandparents. She loved watching me, and then later my brother and I experience DisneyWorld. Even when it became the vacation my dad always took me and my brother on (major dad points- he carried a 30 pound camcorder- daddy you were such a trooper, I never remember you complaining) when we got home my mom wanted to know EVERY detail.
My mom was planning and wanted to take my kids two places: DisneyWorld and the other was the abandoned Wizard of Oz theme park in North Carolina (another blogpost for another time). We were going to go to Disney this past Thanksgiving. Then she went into the hospital in September and passed away on Halloween.
One of our friends and former students contacted me via Facebook and told me he had an internship at DisneyWorld and would like to invite us to join him at DisneyWorld for two days and a percentage off a Disney resort. He knew that my mom really wanted us to go. So, on a Sunday night in December we decided to head to the Happiest Place on Earth that Tuesday. We decided to go to the Magic Kingdom the first day and Disney Hollywood Studios the second day. We even got to stay at one of the Disney resorts.
I cannot tell you what an amazing gift this was. The Lord knew exactly the day we needed to leave town and we were able to get to go on the vacation of my mom's dreams for a fraction of what it would have cost us to do on our own. What a beautiful lifelong gift. My kids first trip to DisneyWorld was a gift from the Lord. Our friend Jordan (who would not want to be recognized- maybe he won't read this- sorry not sorry bud) allowed the Lord to work through him to bless us at a time when it was most appreciated. Thank you friend. We are forever grateful and I know my momma was smiling the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME we were there.
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